I've been stressed lately to the point that I can't help but burst into tears in the comfort of darkness and solidarity. I'm not sure if it's because of my raging hormones or what, coupled with a terrible two...
I've been asking myself lately if I'm being too strict, too stiff, too whatever as I find myself raising my voice and being a little to rough on my little boy. It's heartbreaking when he'd cry but I still myself from crumbling down and retracting what I said as I wanted him to exhibit good manners as early as now. I know he's just two but when should I start if I wanted him to grow up as a gentleman, to almost always be on his best behavior? I sometimes think I did something wrong along the way that it's quite difficult to contain his temperament right now and that it's quite a bit late to start teaching him discipline.
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster ride and it's stressing and frustrating and I feel as if I'm a failure at being a mom and I'm even tearing up right now just thinking about it.
I need a break from it. Just to be by myself again, to find myself, as I find it a little too hard to just cope right now. J's not asking me what's wrong anyway and it's not in my nature to just blurt it out. It's not healthy for our relationship, I know, but I need someone to ask me why, how are you, and I need him to do it. It's difficult for me to just suddenly open up and confront people as I'm not that type. So I want and need him to ask me first.
I'm going to take a break. Just for a night. I'm going to stay with my parents and take a breather. I know most moms would prefer to be with their child 24/7 or at least, every sleeping and waking moment. I want that, too, but I think it's time I step back and do something for myself for a change. Besides, I haven't been away from Jack-Jack since he was born. I would go out and have fun but in the end, I would snuggle to him to sleep at night. He went with me on teambuildings and other overnight escapades. So it's going to be a challenge later on, for me and for him. But I think it would benefit us both. I wouldn't be there to challenge his every move and I wouldn't be concerned on his behavior.
There are a lot more things I want to say and to get out of my system but it might not sound coherent at all. So I'll just end this and good luck to me as I miss him already.